I have a few goals that I'd like to acheive and accomplish in this journey of mine. I'm not even going to pretend that it's going to be easy, but nothing worthwhile is, is it?
1. I need to lose weight. Period. Specifically, I need to lose about 150 lbs. So far--because of my age I'm sure--I haven't had any major health problems. But they're coming. I have no doubt at all that they're coming. I REALLy don't want to end up with diabetes and heart disease. I'm SICK of not living a full life because of always feeling self concious about my weight. I haven't had a good date in several years because I don't feel good about the way I look or feel.
2. I need to be eating healthier. I recently finished the book, "Master Your Metabolism," by Jillian Michaels, and it really has convinced me that I need to lay off the processed foods. Right now I'm trying to BUY less processed foods, but I'm hoping to get to the point where I can grow my own with a garden.
3. I need to start exercising consistently. It needs to become something that I do EVERY DAY in some way, shape, or form. It doesn't always have to be a grueling workout, but it needs to happen, period.
4. I need to eliminate debt. I don't have that much debt...a small amount of credit card debt (compared to the rest of the country), a mortgage, and student loans is currently all I have...but I need to take steps to eliminate it (especially the credit card debt and student loans). My life will be much fuller. I'll feel much more satisfied with myself and be much more secure in the future if I can stop living on credit RIGHT NOW.
5. I want to start grinding my own grains, making my own bread, canning produce, etc., etc. I won't give up reading--I love it too much--but I'm going work on substituting TV in my life for more fulfilling hobbies like gardening, canning, making bread (basically becoming more self-sufficient) and exercise. It will be more work, but I think I'll find it enjoyable and satisfying.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
ME AND GOD
I've been a Christian (meaning I accepted that I am a sinner, completely undeserving of salvation, but that Jesus Christ came this Earth to die in my place so that I might spend eternity with Him) since my teens, but after I went to college, I started partying a little. Then I joined the North Dakota National Guard, and a few months after I got back from AIT my unit got deployed--I was a fueler in an heavy engineer unit (learned to operate dozers and graders and all of that fun stuff while I was overseas)--to Iraq. It was terrifying. We got called up in January of 03 and we were given 3 days to get down to where we drilled at, and then our unit was given 3 days to get to our MOB station in Ft. Carson, CO. I think the worst part for me was that I didn't know what to expect. I had visions of being gassed and being shot at and all of that. Long story short, I did a LOT of crying in Ft. Carson.
Right before we left Carson to deploy my boyfriend dumped me. That was really hard on me because it was pretty out of the blue. Looking back on it now, I can see what a blessing it was, how there were so many red flags with him that I didn't notice, but at the time, on top of all the stress I was already under, it was devestating.
I was pretty bitter when I got over to Iraq--bitter and pretty ticked off at God. There were two guys in my company who were Christians, and they weren't shy about sharing their faith with others. They got labled things like "Bible Thumper," "Weird," etc, and instead of admiting to people that I believed the same things they did, I made the concious decision to do whatever it took to fit in with my new "family."
And things were pretty bad. I drank a LOT when I was over there. (People are amazed at that when I tell them because drinking is such a HUGE no-no in a combat zone.) The other fueler over there actually had her grandmother ship us booze in empty peroxide bottles! There were a lot of people in my battalion who were cheating on their spouses. (Thankfully, the ONE shred of moral decency that I decided to cling to was that I refused to get involved with anyone who was married.) I was pretty disgusted and disillusioned by seeing all of this I guess. The other fueler (who I worked with every day) was involved with a married guy who had 4 kids at home. One guy from my unit was over there with his WIFE and he was STILL hitting on all of the females.
The entire time over there I was so angry at God, and He was SO merciful to me.
We got mortared a lot while we were over there, but there was one night in particular that I remember thinking that my time was up--that I wasn't going to survive the night--and I remember suddenly feeling very calm and at peace in the midst of that nightmare. I felt God drawing near to me, even though I'd been defying Him at every turn. It was absolutely amazing to me. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God spared my life that night--I wasn't just "lucky." The mortars didnt just "happen" to miss a direct hit from where I was.
Inspite of God's grace that night, I still wasn't getting it, wasn't ready to ask His forgiveness and repent.
Anyway, I came home from Iraq and the drinking continued. I'd come home from the bars and just cry and cry and cry, I was so miserable, and couldn't figure out why. (I'm sure the ptsd, the nightmares and all of that contributed, but I have to admit, I think my biggest problem was my lack of relationship with the Lord). I'm not sure how it really happened, but one night I was home, and I came to the realization that I was technically an alcoholic. I knew that if I continued down the road I was on, I was going to end up with some serious, serious issues and a really unhappy, unfulfilling life. I started going out with my "friends" less and less. I asked God's forgiveness, but my lifestyle didn't change over night.
I've been struggling to finish my college degree...quite the mess I've made there, but I'm almost done, and in the past year, I've recommitted myself to the Lord. I've decided that I don't want to just claim to know Him occasionally, when it seems to be convienient for me. Rather, I desire to have an up-front living, breathing love-affair with Him. I will always regret the opportunity I spurrned to share Christ's love with my fellow soldiers while I was in Iraq and in the Guard. I know I can't change the decisions I've made in the past, but I never want to make that mistake again, so I feel compelled to share my story whenever I get an opening to do so! It isn't always easy for me to do so--it's downright scary for me at times in fact. But I believe we're living in the End Times, that there isn't a lot of time left to share the Good News with those who might hear and believe.
For anyone reading this who has questions about my experience, about Jesus, about how to be saved or anything else, I'd to hear from you! May God continue to draw you nearer and nearer to Him!
Right before we left Carson to deploy my boyfriend dumped me. That was really hard on me because it was pretty out of the blue. Looking back on it now, I can see what a blessing it was, how there were so many red flags with him that I didn't notice, but at the time, on top of all the stress I was already under, it was devestating.
I was pretty bitter when I got over to Iraq--bitter and pretty ticked off at God. There were two guys in my company who were Christians, and they weren't shy about sharing their faith with others. They got labled things like "Bible Thumper," "Weird," etc, and instead of admiting to people that I believed the same things they did, I made the concious decision to do whatever it took to fit in with my new "family."
And things were pretty bad. I drank a LOT when I was over there. (People are amazed at that when I tell them because drinking is such a HUGE no-no in a combat zone.) The other fueler over there actually had her grandmother ship us booze in empty peroxide bottles! There were a lot of people in my battalion who were cheating on their spouses. (Thankfully, the ONE shred of moral decency that I decided to cling to was that I refused to get involved with anyone who was married.) I was pretty disgusted and disillusioned by seeing all of this I guess. The other fueler (who I worked with every day) was involved with a married guy who had 4 kids at home. One guy from my unit was over there with his WIFE and he was STILL hitting on all of the females.
The entire time over there I was so angry at God, and He was SO merciful to me.
We got mortared a lot while we were over there, but there was one night in particular that I remember thinking that my time was up--that I wasn't going to survive the night--and I remember suddenly feeling very calm and at peace in the midst of that nightmare. I felt God drawing near to me, even though I'd been defying Him at every turn. It was absolutely amazing to me. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God spared my life that night--I wasn't just "lucky." The mortars didnt just "happen" to miss a direct hit from where I was.
Inspite of God's grace that night, I still wasn't getting it, wasn't ready to ask His forgiveness and repent.
Anyway, I came home from Iraq and the drinking continued. I'd come home from the bars and just cry and cry and cry, I was so miserable, and couldn't figure out why. (I'm sure the ptsd, the nightmares and all of that contributed, but I have to admit, I think my biggest problem was my lack of relationship with the Lord). I'm not sure how it really happened, but one night I was home, and I came to the realization that I was technically an alcoholic. I knew that if I continued down the road I was on, I was going to end up with some serious, serious issues and a really unhappy, unfulfilling life. I started going out with my "friends" less and less. I asked God's forgiveness, but my lifestyle didn't change over night.
I've been struggling to finish my college degree...quite the mess I've made there, but I'm almost done, and in the past year, I've recommitted myself to the Lord. I've decided that I don't want to just claim to know Him occasionally, when it seems to be convienient for me. Rather, I desire to have an up-front living, breathing love-affair with Him. I will always regret the opportunity I spurrned to share Christ's love with my fellow soldiers while I was in Iraq and in the Guard. I know I can't change the decisions I've made in the past, but I never want to make that mistake again, so I feel compelled to share my story whenever I get an opening to do so! It isn't always easy for me to do so--it's downright scary for me at times in fact. But I believe we're living in the End Times, that there isn't a lot of time left to share the Good News with those who might hear and believe.
For anyone reading this who has questions about my experience, about Jesus, about how to be saved or anything else, I'd to hear from you! May God continue to draw you nearer and nearer to Him!
CHUBBY BLUBBY
It seems that I have a life-long battle of the bulge. I can hardly remember when I used to be thin....but I remember how great I felt about myself when I was!I've always had to battle my weight...I can blame my genes for the slower metabolism and the tendancy to gain 5 lbs just from eating a gum drop, but I can't blame my genes for the situation I find myself in now.
I was a normal weight when I graduated from high school and through my freshman year in college. Then I joined the ND National Guard and got into really great shape when I went to basic training...but I started to gain weight after I got home.A few months after I got home from basic, in 2003, my unit got activated and sent to Iraq--I was among the very first soldiers to be in Iraq for Operation Iraqi Freedom. I spent 14 months total on active duty, and I got back into pretty decent shape while over there.
Then the weight gain really began. It took me over two years to figure it out, but I discovered that I was experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder from my experiences in Iraq, and suffering from depression and anxiety as a result. Meanwhile I'd been eating anything and everything in sight. Bakery chocolate chip cookies, huge bowls of popcorn swimming in butter, cheese sandwiches on bakery buns loaded up with butter were my favorites.
Since then, I've gotten a good handle on the ptsd--for the most part--thanks to a period of time on medication and some counseling, but my weight has continued to balloon until, now, I'm faced with the reality that I weigh TWICE as much as I should weigh...maybe a little more.
I'm to the point where I can't stand to look at pictures of myself--they're so much more revealing than looking in a mirror, aren't they? I never really go out and socialize with people because I'm embarassed of my size. I can't remember the last time I had a decent date...I'm sure that has something to do with my size, but I know a major contributor is also the fact that I don't feel good about myself. Because I don't feel attractive, I'm not exactly attracting the cream of the crop.
In the past few months I've made a real effort to reduce the amount of food that I'm eating, and I've actually maintained my weight within a 5 lb range...so, I'm actually kind of proud of that. I'm no longer "gaining." But that's just not enough for me. I don't want to continue to weigh almost 300 lbs. I want to start losing weight again and weigh an appropriate amount for ONE person, not two.With that in mind, I have several very real challenges and goals for myself. I know it won't be easy...it will be the biggest battle of my life...and that's really saying something. I have to remind myself that I'm a person worth valuing, and I ought to be valuing myself, first and foremost.
I was a normal weight when I graduated from high school and through my freshman year in college. Then I joined the ND National Guard and got into really great shape when I went to basic training...but I started to gain weight after I got home.A few months after I got home from basic, in 2003, my unit got activated and sent to Iraq--I was among the very first soldiers to be in Iraq for Operation Iraqi Freedom. I spent 14 months total on active duty, and I got back into pretty decent shape while over there.
Then the weight gain really began. It took me over two years to figure it out, but I discovered that I was experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder from my experiences in Iraq, and suffering from depression and anxiety as a result. Meanwhile I'd been eating anything and everything in sight. Bakery chocolate chip cookies, huge bowls of popcorn swimming in butter, cheese sandwiches on bakery buns loaded up with butter were my favorites.
Since then, I've gotten a good handle on the ptsd--for the most part--thanks to a period of time on medication and some counseling, but my weight has continued to balloon until, now, I'm faced with the reality that I weigh TWICE as much as I should weigh...maybe a little more.
I'm to the point where I can't stand to look at pictures of myself--they're so much more revealing than looking in a mirror, aren't they? I never really go out and socialize with people because I'm embarassed of my size. I can't remember the last time I had a decent date...I'm sure that has something to do with my size, but I know a major contributor is also the fact that I don't feel good about myself. Because I don't feel attractive, I'm not exactly attracting the cream of the crop.
In the past few months I've made a real effort to reduce the amount of food that I'm eating, and I've actually maintained my weight within a 5 lb range...so, I'm actually kind of proud of that. I'm no longer "gaining." But that's just not enough for me. I don't want to continue to weigh almost 300 lbs. I want to start losing weight again and weigh an appropriate amount for ONE person, not two.With that in mind, I have several very real challenges and goals for myself. I know it won't be easy...it will be the biggest battle of my life...and that's really saying something. I have to remind myself that I'm a person worth valuing, and I ought to be valuing myself, first and foremost.
TWITTERPAITED
You know that feeling, when you first meet someone special, someone that you know is just going to rock your world and change your life? That nervous, excited, jittery, can-hardly-stand-still-I'm-so-giddy, everything's-coming-up-roses feeling? Well I'm having that. Over food. And the miraculous thing? It's not even junk food...
For a while now, I've been flirting with the idea of making some heavy duty changes to my diet. I've been reading stuff on the internet, checking out books, and all of that fun stuff. Everything looked really good, but my oh-so-tasty Processed Food just wouldn't let me go.
I've been reading Jillian Michael's "Master Your Metabolism," and it's like the veil has lifted, and I've come to some drastic conclusions.
Processed Food and I have a sick, twisted relationship. Processed Food used to be a fun, comforting "friend" that's been with me since childhood. My relationship with Processed Food started out innocently enough. It just tasted so good. It was always there with me when I was crying over disappointments, or if I was bored or lonely. When I was little it would just visit me occasionally, but as I got to be a teenager, Processed Food became more and more seductive.
Sometimes I'd sneak Processed Food into my bedroom to be alone with It without my parent's knowing. When I went away to college, Processed Food moved in with me and made Itself right at home. And when I came home from Iraq, I couldn't get ENOUGH of Processed Food.
I knew Processed Food wasn't good for me--in my mind, I knew that. Everyone said so. But the more Processed Food I got, the more I wanted. Pretty soon, Processed Food had firmly rooted Itself in my life. I kept hearing over and over how Processed Food was so bad for me, but I just couldn't see any of Its drawbacks. So what if It made me fat? I could just exercise more. So what if it was costing me an arm and a leg? Money was no subsitute for the benefits I was getting from my relationship with Processed Food. Pretty soon the cravings, the NEED for Processed Food became uncontrolable. And I discovered that Processed Food wasn't as innocent as I'd thought all along.
I couldn't go anywhere, or do anything without the thought of Processed Food. I made several attempts to have an affair with Whole Food and Healthy Food, but they just didn't do it for me like Processed Food did. The more time I spent with Processed Food, the less I recognized myself. I started to feel terrible. My body felt sick and unhealthy. I started to think about the possible ramifications that would arise in the not-too-distant future if I continued my relationship with Processed Food. It's friends, Diabetes and Heart-Disease have already visted other family members, and I'm afraid it won't be long before they're wanting to visit me. I mean, why wouldn't they? I've certainly given them the message that I'm expecting them to stop and say hello with my constant relationship with Processed Food. This scares the living daylights out of me. Diabetes and Heart-Disease are just so unwelcome. They will just TOTALLY mess up my life, and once they're here, there will be NO getting rid of them.
So for the past month and a half or so, I've been trying to hide-out from Processed Food. I've been trying to avoid it, but I haven't had the best of luck, because It's still living with me. I haven't had the heart or the guts to throw it out. But I finally mustered the courage about 2 weeks ago. I'm threw Processed Food to the curb and slammed the door on it.
I'm going to welcome Whole and Healthy Foods into my life. It's going to be expensive, and I'm a little nervous about that. Processed Food was a cheap roomate, and Whole and Healthy Foods are going to require a little more of my wallet and a LOT more of my time. I think it's going to be really weird having them around at first. They're not going to taste the same, and my craving for Processed Food isn't just going to instantly go away. But Whole and Healthy Foods have awesome friends like Longevity, Immunity, Healthy Weight, and Glowing Appearance. So I'm feeling a little twitterpaited at the thought of beginning my relationship with Whole and Healthy Foods. I really hope it's a feeling that lasts. It might be a little bumpy in the beginning as we get to know each other--and I have no doubt Processed Food is going to scream at me to let It back in the house--but in the long run, I KNOW I'm just going to be so much better off with Whole and Healthy Foods.
For a while now, I've been flirting with the idea of making some heavy duty changes to my diet. I've been reading stuff on the internet, checking out books, and all of that fun stuff. Everything looked really good, but my oh-so-tasty Processed Food just wouldn't let me go.
I've been reading Jillian Michael's "Master Your Metabolism," and it's like the veil has lifted, and I've come to some drastic conclusions.
Processed Food and I have a sick, twisted relationship. Processed Food used to be a fun, comforting "friend" that's been with me since childhood. My relationship with Processed Food started out innocently enough. It just tasted so good. It was always there with me when I was crying over disappointments, or if I was bored or lonely. When I was little it would just visit me occasionally, but as I got to be a teenager, Processed Food became more and more seductive.
Sometimes I'd sneak Processed Food into my bedroom to be alone with It without my parent's knowing. When I went away to college, Processed Food moved in with me and made Itself right at home. And when I came home from Iraq, I couldn't get ENOUGH of Processed Food.
I knew Processed Food wasn't good for me--in my mind, I knew that. Everyone said so. But the more Processed Food I got, the more I wanted. Pretty soon, Processed Food had firmly rooted Itself in my life. I kept hearing over and over how Processed Food was so bad for me, but I just couldn't see any of Its drawbacks. So what if It made me fat? I could just exercise more. So what if it was costing me an arm and a leg? Money was no subsitute for the benefits I was getting from my relationship with Processed Food. Pretty soon the cravings, the NEED for Processed Food became uncontrolable. And I discovered that Processed Food wasn't as innocent as I'd thought all along.
I couldn't go anywhere, or do anything without the thought of Processed Food. I made several attempts to have an affair with Whole Food and Healthy Food, but they just didn't do it for me like Processed Food did. The more time I spent with Processed Food, the less I recognized myself. I started to feel terrible. My body felt sick and unhealthy. I started to think about the possible ramifications that would arise in the not-too-distant future if I continued my relationship with Processed Food. It's friends, Diabetes and Heart-Disease have already visted other family members, and I'm afraid it won't be long before they're wanting to visit me. I mean, why wouldn't they? I've certainly given them the message that I'm expecting them to stop and say hello with my constant relationship with Processed Food. This scares the living daylights out of me. Diabetes and Heart-Disease are just so unwelcome. They will just TOTALLY mess up my life, and once they're here, there will be NO getting rid of them.
So for the past month and a half or so, I've been trying to hide-out from Processed Food. I've been trying to avoid it, but I haven't had the best of luck, because It's still living with me. I haven't had the heart or the guts to throw it out. But I finally mustered the courage about 2 weeks ago. I'm threw Processed Food to the curb and slammed the door on it.
I'm going to welcome Whole and Healthy Foods into my life. It's going to be expensive, and I'm a little nervous about that. Processed Food was a cheap roomate, and Whole and Healthy Foods are going to require a little more of my wallet and a LOT more of my time. I think it's going to be really weird having them around at first. They're not going to taste the same, and my craving for Processed Food isn't just going to instantly go away. But Whole and Healthy Foods have awesome friends like Longevity, Immunity, Healthy Weight, and Glowing Appearance. So I'm feeling a little twitterpaited at the thought of beginning my relationship with Whole and Healthy Foods. I really hope it's a feeling that lasts. It might be a little bumpy in the beginning as we get to know each other--and I have no doubt Processed Food is going to scream at me to let It back in the house--but in the long run, I KNOW I'm just going to be so much better off with Whole and Healthy Foods.
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