ME AND GOD

I've been a Christian (meaning I accepted that I am a sinner, completely undeserving of salvation, but that Jesus Christ came this Earth to die in my place so that I might spend eternity with Him) since my teens, but after I went to college, I started partying a little. Then I joined the North Dakota National Guard, and a few months after I got back from AIT my unit got deployed--I was a fueler in an heavy engineer unit (learned to operate dozers and graders and all of that fun stuff while I was overseas)--to Iraq. It was terrifying. We got called up in January of 03 and we were given 3 days to get down to where we drilled at, and then our unit was given 3 days to get to our MOB station in Ft. Carson, CO. I think the worst part for me was that I didn't know what to expect. I had visions of being gassed and being shot at and all of that. Long story short, I did a LOT of crying in Ft. Carson.

Right before we left Carson to deploy my boyfriend dumped me. That was really hard on me because it was pretty out of the blue. Looking back on it now, I can see what a blessing it was, how there were so many red flags with him that I didn't notice, but at the time, on top of all the stress I was already under, it was devestating.

I was pretty bitter when I got over to Iraq--bitter and pretty ticked off at God. There were two guys in my company who were Christians, and they weren't shy about sharing their faith with others. They got labled things like "Bible Thumper," "Weird," etc, and instead of admiting to people that I believed the same things they did, I made the concious decision to do whatever it took to fit in with my new "family."

And things were pretty bad. I drank a LOT when I was over there. (People are amazed at that when I tell them because drinking is such a HUGE no-no in a combat zone.) The other fueler over there actually had her grandmother ship us booze in empty peroxide bottles! There were a lot of people in my battalion who were cheating on their spouses. (Thankfully, the ONE shred of moral decency that I decided to cling to was that I refused to get involved with anyone who was married.) I was pretty disgusted and disillusioned by seeing all of this I guess. The other fueler (who I worked with every day) was involved with a married guy who had 4 kids at home. One guy from my unit was over there with his WIFE and he was STILL hitting on all of the females.

The entire time over there I was so angry at God, and He was SO merciful to me.

We got mortared a lot while we were over there, but there was one night in particular that I remember thinking that my time was up--that I wasn't going to survive the night--and I remember suddenly feeling very calm and at peace in the midst of that nightmare. I felt God drawing near to me, even though I'd been defying Him at every turn. It was absolutely amazing to me. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God spared my life that night--I wasn't just "lucky." The mortars didnt just "happen" to miss a direct hit from where I was.

Inspite of God's grace that night, I still wasn't getting it, wasn't ready to ask His forgiveness and repent.

Anyway, I came home from Iraq and the drinking continued. I'd come home from the bars and just cry and cry and cry, I was so miserable, and couldn't figure out why. (I'm sure the ptsd, the nightmares and all of that contributed, but I have to admit, I think my biggest problem was my lack of relationship with the Lord). I'm not sure how it really happened, but one night I was home, and I came to the realization that I was technically an alcoholic. I knew that if I continued down the road I was on, I was going to end up with some serious, serious issues and a really unhappy, unfulfilling life. I started going out with my "friends" less and less. I asked God's forgiveness, but my lifestyle didn't change over night.

I've been struggling to finish my college degree...quite the mess I've made there, but I'm almost done, and in the past year, I've recommitted myself to the Lord. I've decided that I don't want to just claim to know Him occasionally, when it seems to be convienient for me. Rather, I desire to have an up-front living, breathing love-affair with Him. I will always regret the opportunity I spurrned to share Christ's love with my fellow soldiers while I was in Iraq and in the Guard. I know I can't change the decisions I've made in the past, but I never want to make that mistake again, so I feel compelled to share my story whenever I get an opening to do so! It isn't always easy for me to do so--it's downright scary for me at times in fact. But I believe we're living in the End Times, that there isn't a lot of time left to share the Good News with those who might hear and believe.

For anyone reading this who has questions about my experience, about Jesus, about how to be saved or anything else, I'd to hear from you! May God continue to draw you nearer and nearer to Him!